On Waiting

I don’t believe there has ever been a point in my life when I wasn’t somehow waiting for something.

It could be something I’m actively working towards, like a holiday I’m planning or some arbitrary fitness goal. Most of the time, it’s something I’ve done absolutely nothing to actualise—just a feeling that A Certain Thing is going to happen, but who knows when or how. If life were a playground, I would be firmly planted on the swings, pumping my legs furiously in the air, convinced I’m about to let go and soar across the entire city to land on a neighbouring planet of successful aliens. In reality, it seems as though I’ve just been doing loop after loop, spinning the chains tighter and tighter around the pole, eventually trapping myself in and turning into a human spring roll of unrealised potential. 

Now, you may already be outraged by these first few sentences. You could be thinking, “Well, of course you feel like this! Everybody does. If I google the phrase ‘why do i feel like im always waiting for something’, an avalanche of around 375 million results awaits me. People long before you have written canonical plays, performed actual empirical research, Sally Rooney's had a go at it — even the hallowed temple of capitalist wisdom that is Forbes has written about it. I don’t know a better way to enshrine something in the ‘cure for insomnia’ hall of fame. Yet, here you are, belabouring the poor topic into oblivion.”

To this, I would say you and I think very much alike, my friend. Don’t fret, though. I have no aspirations to even be slightly original. I only want to navel-gaze in peace over here. 

So, for me, I think this feeling comes from a classic question in existentialism and religion: “Do I want to take ownership of my life?”

It seems my answer, whether consciously or subconsciously, has thus far been a resounding no.

The thing is, if you were to have asked me this question a few days ago, I’d probably have told you indignantly that of course I take ownership of my life! I own my decisions and I apologise when I do the wrong thing. I am the master of my fate, captain of my soul, etc.

Though if this was really the truth… Why do I keep playing the waiting game? I think I have a bit of a filthy secret: I’m absolutely hoping that someone or something is going to come out of the blue and save me from my dissatisfaction. Yeah, okay, I admit it! I’m a little bit hoping that I’ll stumble upon my life’s purpose like stepping in dog shit and instantly transform into a world-renowned expert of something or the other. Ridiculous, embarrassing, and unfortunately very much true. 

Now, if this ‘ethos’ (and I use the term loosely) had completely failed me so far, I don’t think it would have taken the entire 23 years that it has for me to reach this conclusion. Many of the best things that have ever happened to me and most importantly, the best people that have ever happened to me have genuinely sort of just materialised in front of me. Perhaps this exacerbated the problem, because if it’s happened once, why won’t it happen again? On the other hand, despite all of my waiting, I have had the wind knocked out of me more times than I can count by events that I never, ever saw coming.

So, where does that leave me today? Shall I cast aside all I’ve hoped for in the pursuit of being the sort of person that subscribes to the Omnipotent Gratitude Journal and Lives in the Moment?

Kind of. I think I’m starting to realise that two very key elements of the human condition, the waiting game and the comparison game, have more in common than I thought, or at least very similar outcomes. Although, I don’t think ambition is the villain here, it is the manner in which I’ve grappled with it that has defined my experiences so far. 

In my case, I’m upset because I feel I haven’t found my passion, but I’m acting as if passion is something that should have happened upon me by now. If I’m choosing to take ownership of my life (and that’s a big “if”), I’m starting to think I will find passion when I make the active choice to dedicate myself to and love something. 

Now, this is all heavily theoretical. I have yet to implement this philosophy and see its results, so if you have gotten this far with me, your guess is as good as mine when it comes to effectiveness.

Ultimately though, this is just a note to myself to start choosing to try, to create, to engage, to explore, and to genuinely take ownership of who I am and who I want to be. That way when it’s all said and done, no matter what’s actually happened, I can turn around, look the universe in its gassy eyes and say that I really, really tried. I have a feeling embracing this outlook could very well pave the way for the fulfilment I’m seeking.